I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
