I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
