i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
