For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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