i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
