I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
