Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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