If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
