Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
