If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
