Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The power of my boobs compel you
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
