I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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