i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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