I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
