i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize