...so i touched it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize