Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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