i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
