So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
