Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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