i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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