i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
