You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
