You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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