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A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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