dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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