I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
