We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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