Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
