He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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