I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
