im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
