No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
