I met the friendliest cop last night
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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