I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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