youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
