end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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