I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
