How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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