She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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