shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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