I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
