I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
