someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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