He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
