jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
