she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
