The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
