White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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