i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
