You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
