I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
