Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
