You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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