I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
